KERMIT SHOT DOWN!

Famous Frog Sabotaged by Humorless Corporate Types!

Artist's Conception of Crash.
Marlborough, MA July, 24,1997 (wire services)
In a shocking display of naked aggression, an anonymous band of humorless corporate terrorists, going by the name of "Office Management" today brought down beloved frog and Children's TV personality Kermit The Frog.

The hapless amphibian, long an employee of Jim Henson Associates, was peacefully floating over the Technical Support Department of UltraNet Communications, Inc. when the fateful missile was fired.

"I don't understand it," the web-footed celebrity said later, in an exclusive interview. "They said I wasn't professional, but everybody knows ballooning is an amateur sport!"

A particularly uncomfortable-looking bystander was pressed into service, apparently against her will, as a spokesperson for the terrorists. Asked why they had launched their attack, she replied, quoting the terrorists, "This is not a toy store!"

Controversy.

A great deal of controversy has, understandably enough, arisen surrounding the incident.

This seems best typified by the words of Joshua Pritchard, an actor, comedian, web page designer and technical support rep from Somerville, who was quoted as saying, "So?"

Another technical support representative, who insisted that he remain anonymous, called the attack "An outrage."

"Kermit is a figure of frankly global importance," our anonymous source continued, pushing his glasses back up his nose with a fingertip, "and a source of joy to millions."

The anonymous source then shifted his 375 pounds in his chair, an ugly beige office chair not matching the others around him.

"Look," he said. "We had a meeting here just a few weeks ago, in which we were told that decorating the office in an attempt to humanize it was a fine idea. Look at this place, with its drab, institutional grey walls, and its drab, institutional grey cubicles! We're being turned into drab, institutional grey employees, in drab, institutional grey clothes, living drab, institutional grey lives!"

A single tear rolled from one of his grey-blue eyes, and into his rather scruffy salt-and-pepper beard as he shoved a lock of brown hair from his forehead.

"Kermit brought a flash of style, of color and excitement into this office," he cried, pointing to the wreckage, the remains of a missile still protruding from the tatters of the balloon. "Now, look at him! Shot down in his prime because some humorless corporate types thought he was unprofessional!"

He tucked his white shirt into the black pants -- with the trademark belt worn sideways, as if to avoid scratching a guitar -- and re-arranged the multitudes of pens in his breast pocket.

"This is going to be anonymous, right?" he asked.

"There is nothing unprofessional about Kermit," said noted Internet new accounts representative G. Paul Wade. "He is all business."

In spite of calls for an official inquiry, to be carried out by a cadre of crack U.N. Peacekeepers, it appears that little or nothing will be done to apprehend those responsible for the tragedy.

Hostilities Resume in Kermit War!

Friday, July 2nd, 1999 9:15 am EDT

In a stunning development this morning, after nearly two years of uneasy peace in Marlborough, violence and tragedy struck again in the Kermit War.

The hapless amphibian, after two years with only minor incursions into the corporate-imposed "No-Fly Zone," was seen sailing over the Network Operations Center in the Marlborough, MA facility, currently operated by RCN Corporation. Retribution was swift and brutal, and by 9:15 this morning, the beloved web-footed international star was downed.

RCN Officials had no comment on today's events.


1997, 1999 Leviathan Studios
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